Amazonas

We boarded a long boat in the small hours of a morn, with a few hostel pals and our tour guide Freddy... And we baso just went about Amazon! 

We went first to see a local tribe that live on the river and were shown how we might traq dart a monkey out of a tree! We ate some fruit that tasted like a peanut bum hole, then were shown the local tribes dance..some people even made to partake in a shuffty, which gave us many amuses! (the dance and the local ladies who's boobs had fallen aside thier grass vests..because we're 10 years old!)

Next we went to a waterside animal sanctuary.. It was more like some people had started to feed animals and they never left.. It was wicked! We had barely pulled up and a monkey had swung in the boat and was trying to get into Jape's bag!

 We got to hold monkeys and parrots, a bastard sized anaconda, then hold a slouth, which was the funniest thing!! It moved like a toy that was running out of batteries, with a constant I've just smoked all of mother natures herbs face on!

Next we went to watch pink dolphins feeding in the river, which was real special. They apparently come to the river to feed in calm waters, and it was so calm.. 2 maybe 3 boats of tourists sitting on the huge lake, hardly making a sound.. Then the next thing these pink fins are flying up all around us and everyone was in mass 'woow... Wooooooooooooooow'! Neither of us were quick draw enough to get a picture of one though, so you'll have to take our word, t'was wicked!

Then as it started to get dark we went ALLIGATOR HUNTING!!! (Spotting / hunted, whateves!).  We rode through the river jungle using torches to see, and all told to keep a look out for 2 yellow eyes looking back at you..... Oh righteo then! It was dead fun, until the smallest of something brushed past one of the girls arms and we all started a scream wave!

We didn't manage to actually see one in the end, but I recon our tour was cut a bit short because Freddy started telling us maneater stories, and we all papped it and asked him to take us back! 😳

We slept in a lodge on the river, and both shizled our nizzles! It was pitch black come 10pm, so we just layed listening to jungle beasts flying at the walls trying to get in. The toilet was outside also, meaning a gauntlet of creature hell at pee and poo times

The next day we donned cagoules and wellies, got make shift rods and went fishing for parianahs!

Wee bird with her prize beast, look;

So by the end of day dos we basically looked like the jungle, and smelled like the river, but would go again right now.

Mega fun times!!

From Lima...

We went to Lima in search of a beach side time of joy before our jungle trek... But when we arrived the hostel had double booked us, and there was not a bit of sun in the sky. Anyhooooooo we stayed a couple of days none the less, making the mosto and all that..

We had a meal out the first night, which came as a whole fish for me, eye ball and all, and completely uncooked fish for JP... Both of which went down a shit storm after 23 hour bus ride!

The rest of our time here was really uneventfully to be honest, and Lima a pretty underwhelming place. We did befriend the local policia because we kept asking them where we could buy shit from.. Once we walked past and they said 'you find chocolate?' and I went 'No but we have cakes instead, nom nooom!'

Nom noming the armed Peruvians, whateves.

But yeah, we were well reads to leave for Iquitos and The Amazon times anyways...

So our flight was delayed, which was ney bother.. The journey was done in 2 parts, so we had to land half way and take off again.. lush! But then the flights turbulence was up there with the worst of my life, and this gave me a slightly bad time. The stewards ran off at one point to strap themselves into their seats, always a mile-high confidence boast! Then the plane dropped what felt like 50ft and the woman next to me started screaming and grabbing hold of my arm.... No!! I'm trying to hold my own shit together here lady! When the drinks came back around I necked a beer in a 0.5 seconds, and Screamy Mcgrabs went 'ahh you like Peruvian beer?' I said 'No i just don't like flying' and she laughed and went 'haaaha yes I see you cry a little!' No I did not.......... FUCK OFF LADY!!

Anyhow we arrived fine figures of ladies in Iquitos and took a tuck tuck of death to the hostel, which by this point we loved drag racing in an open air cart without seat belts, that had our bags tied to the back with a shoelace, yeah!

Tomorrow we head into the AMAZON!! And I expect to be don nothing but a loin cloth come lunch time!

Coozco

We came to Cuzco for a few days on route to Lima and we really quite liked it here. The nightlife wasn't great, and we had hostel issues meaning we only really got one proper night where we were supposed to stay.. But Cuzco itself is really beautiful

The centre has loads of ancient buildings, churches and cathedrals etc.. randomly in the cobbled street you'll come across the oldest Inca wall ever built, or a town square with a thousands of years old gold statue in it. If you like a museum or a bit 'o ancient history, Cuzco is for you

We first got here having booked 3 nights, to find out that our hostel had been closed down for safety regs... So we moved to a slightly less appealing place up the road, and fell asleep / woke up to 80s love songs (not all bad times)

We met the gayest guys in the land one eve, who we played pool with and went to every 'free drink' bar we could find (free drink being a choice of vodka, gin or 'ron'). The guys started arguing a few bars in, one trying to get a taxi to a gay club, the other shouting he was sleeping on the couch, so we politely shook them off... Then came across a bar of Argentinian 'Musicians' who we could only communicate with through the word of the bongos, and not by a single comprehensive word of mouth..

There's a massive market here and the streets get lined with old ladies selling mystery foods which we now eat, being hard. You pay maybe 50p and get a plate of veg, rice, potato, maybe some noodles and misery meats if you want. It's normally served from the fair ladies unwashed hands, maybe picked off the floor in a 10 second rule fashion...but bargain times and still no shits.. Winner!

We've found when people are asking our age that they're averaging us at around 23yrs...... Which makes every 20 hour bus ride or ice cold shower a little more palatable I tell thee, hahaa!

We're off to Lima now for beach side hostel times... maybe ride a wave, maybe eat some fish.. Who needs actual plans!

Titicaca

Lake Tits is really beautiful!  It's said to be the biggest high altitude lake in the world, but it's more like an ocean.. Literally there's an hour time difference between one side and t'other, and about 4 different seasons!

We did 2 nights, first staying on Isla Del Sol in Bolivia, which is very lovely. Hardly a sound for miles, beautiful views of the other islands and mountains.. A well needed relaxation after La Paz.... Relaxing that is until we got our arses bit by a dog (that Jodie had hit in the heed with a Sprite bottle), got a steeple chase from some lamas, then realised as everyone got on boats after their day tours, that we were possibly the only people left on the island... In a flash storm....with a power outage... Be reeeeeeet!

The next night we stayed in Puno in Peru, and went to the floating islands on the lake.. These are crazy!! They are full blown islands, man made, out of grass!  Everything is made from it, the ground, the houses, shops, play grounds.. I can't explain how surreal it is to walk around a floating town of straw.. So wicked and fucking weird! 

We took a boat trip here through the lake, dream boat!  Then we were taken on a grass house tour by the local folk.. I got to sit on the bed with a lady while she told me that the kids sleep on the floor and it's only tourist money that keeps them warm... wasn't awks at all.

Meanwhile lil bird was next door being dressed up like a court jester for some photo time! Hahaaaa!

Honestly a really really amazing place though, a must see for anyone's eyeballs!

La Pazo

Sooooooo much like Buenos Aires we had planned to stay in La Paz for 4 nights.. But again, we met some bezzas and were rarely in bed before 7am... So we stayed for 6!

This place is huge, and defo a bit frightening.. And so so high in altitude you can't ascend a street without a 4 step pitstop (which looks and feels mega sexual).. But for all the shiz, it was actually pretty cool!

We went to a witches market one day and told that lama foetuses are so sacred, that one has to be buried in the foundations of any new building, as a sacrifice to Mother Nature.. And in really grand buildings they're said to use a live human! They'll just go and swipe a homeless man, and lay him neath the building appaz! How lavely!

Most women wear traditional clothes here, like tutu's, pinafores and tiny bowler hats (which you never stop finding pleasing to the eye), but apparently if their hat is on at an angle, this means they're single.. And because Bolivian men want strong women, where as at home a woman might seduce a man with her chebs and charm (or lady lips in some cases), the women here flash their meaty calves, as a sign that she can carry all of his kids and groceries and shit! Although pea calve Pearson wore a dress one day and got followed about 6 blocks by a young boy, to my utmost amuse!

All in all LP is cool, and defo worth a visit.. But having lost most of our tan and half of our body weight, we're heading for a detox and eye sex time at Lake Titicaca..

April Fools

So among the many many awesome times and hilarity on the road, there are occasional times of woe.. Like going to Uyuni.

Firstly we had to say goodbye to our new favourite person Cheese, Ghislane Dutch sex pot.. Then embark on a journey from Salta in Argentina, to Uyuni in Bolivia.. Which included;

A 7 hour night bus ride to a shanty town near the Arg border, a 1km walk in the dark to find the border, queue in minus temps to have our passports stamped to say we're leaving Argentina and entering Bolivia.. A 1km uphill walk to the local bus terminal with what now feels like 20kg on la backo (Jodie's probs is as she's turned clepto and is collecting shit from hostels now), a 2-3 hour wait at the bus station, with a breakfast choice of a flat yorkshire pudding or what was advertised as soy and quinoa soup but had pineappleade in it.. then a 10 hour local bus journey to Uyuni (local bus meaning the windows don't open, there's no toilet on board, about 15 people over capacity etc).. A ride so comfortably taking place around a rocky cliff edge, my glasses were once shook clean off of my heed!  At a particularly low point I was pleading with the driver to let me off so I could just go wee behind the bus, but he shouted at me in Spanish until I sat down.

So with nothing but sand and rocks to look at, being too uncomfortable to sleep, and too exhausted to weep, we sat.....and just waited for the horror to end.. Occasionally having a bout of delirious laughter or a 'not long now bird' pep talk..

Then eventually we do arrive at Uyuni... and it's honestly the strangest little place I've ever been to.  People look like caricatures and dress in bath mats, and it's as if a hole has been cut into a mountain and a town dropped in the middle of it.. One guy likened it to walking the war torn streets of Iraq!  But it's reet, we're embracing it, we're having an amazeo times, we're fine.. So we book a day tour to the salt flats for the next day, drink half a beer, sleep in the fetal..

Tour day! Pretty excited, we go for our transfer.. and find that although we've been sold 2 tickets, a seat each, we'll actually be sharing 1 seat for the day, squashed against some letchy Argentines that smell like they've rolled in a dog shit!  We have to pretend to sleep so we don't have to play 0s and Xs with them anymore!

The salt flats were amazing, the pictures don't do justice to how idyllic and peaceful they were.. Completely white for hundreds of miles and you could hear a pin drop, really awesome...

...The tour however needed to be half the time that it actually took, but we made 2 extra stops on the way back because the old lady on our tour wanted to bath in the salt water.. At one point we were all standing around the car while she washed her arse in the healing pool... Errrrr lady!?

Anywoos.. We get back from the tour and have 2 hours before our night bus out of here, when we can put the town of hell behind us...... Sorry, our bus has been cancelled!!!?  There are Miner strikes on the highways and all the buses to La Paz have been cancelled, with no idea when they'll be running again.........................................

Sooooo a frantic run back to our hostel to ask either to use the wifi to look at other options or at least another nights stay to consider them...but they're now fully booked and won't let us use the wifi as we're no longer guests here.. awesome!

We finally manage to find another hostel after 1-2 hour walk around the town, that is literally 2 beds in a room and we have to pay to use toilet roll... But by the power of grey skull we find a tour operator that is flying out of Uyuni in 2 days time, for 4 times the price of the bus.. Fucking deal!  So now we have 2 days to kill in a place that has a water shortage, the altitude is so high you can't climb a flight of stairs without needed a sit down, and there's aprox 0.5 bars of wifi to share amongst the whole town..

Peaks and troughs my friends...