Auckland CBD

Sooooooo I'm thrice months my way through the Auckland times and would love to report a daily adventure like that of the amazon etc. but have actually just been hauled up in a sky tower, working for the man!

When we first arrived here, living out of what was now half a backpack of clothes and stinking of empinadas, we stayed in a hostel room of 10 for a couple of weeks.  It was nicer than most we'd stayed in before, had a massive kitchen, hot water, and an equal mix of Korean students and European strippers.  But it was time to grow up, get jobs and get back to the grind.. so I brought a blazer jacket and moved into a house. I live in a place called Ponsonby which is pretty cool.. so cool that the school kids meet for coffee in the morning, and not at the newsagents to buy fags with their dinner monies!?  I live with a Kiwi Personal Trainer, a Swedish Au pair and an Irish Physio.. the making of a man’s wet dream on paper, but unfortunately there are no scantily clad pillow fights, just a lot of watching the bachelor while don ill-fitting leisurewears

I would probably liken Auckland CBD to London in the 90s, where everyone loves a power suit and wears sunglasses in the winter.  Everything is overpriced and everyone pushes in at the bus stop.. but much like London, those that live here love it and you can pretty much spot an 'Aucklander' a mile away.. normally because they're staring at you awkwardly or are constantly on route to the gym.  But for what AKL lacks in genuine folk and Primark, it makes up for with Thai takeaways on every street corner.. and the fact that you're never more than a 10 minute walk to a waterfront..

Now when I say overpriced I mean courgettes have become luxurious in that they cost $10 for 3.. tres!  A terry's chocolate orange??  A mere 11 of your finest NLand dollars.. and a bottled cider in the local boozer would cost around $18, around 10GBPS!  So to keep myself in basic staples and a selection of mid-range confectionaries I had to get a j.o.b, and I work now as a PA for Auckland Council.  My job is a breeze and my boss is badass.. if a person could be likened to a carry on film or episode of faulty towers, he'd be it.. And because of that he overlooks things like my inability to spell my own name some days (actually happened)

So after an embarrassing amount of time in the office, or in a local watering hole with my most favourite Irish Niamh McCallion (more on her later), it's time to get the ol' Lonely Planet out and the travel back on.. Excitement level 11 about this!

The Colombians

So to my hearts break I lost my blower with a week of the South America trip to go, and have no Colombia photies at all :-(

Honestly (not regrettably) we really did fek all but follow the Caribbean coast up and down, tanning like old boots!

So to sum up Colombia;

CARTAGENA
Taught to Salsa dance by a very drunk old man, that looked a bit like a cartoon monkey.
Strolled the old town aka inside a Disney film!
Got motor taxis (teen boys on rambler bikes) to the most beautiful beach my eyes did see, Playa Blanca.
Had a mud / fart bath in a 50ft high volcano (Photie stollen from a pals FB) 

PALOMINO

Met a feking loco guy from Manchester that we had to hide from daily.
Picked mangoes from the tree outside our room for breakfast.

TAGANGA 
Had my flip flops stealthy stollen by a crazy cat lady.
Went to a nightclub with an outdoor dancefloor overlooking the sea - D boats!

SANTA MARTA

Broke a hammock with my holiday weight.
Got a lapdance off a Will Ferrel lookalike.

...and that was about it!

So after some of the most amazing experiences of our lives we left SA with a tan, some conversation (ferel) spanish, and a slight addiction to plantain chips... 

Nexto, Auckland and 'Corbs & Pears the NZ times'...EEEEE!!!

GALAPAGOSES

Go to The Galapagos!! I promise the experience will burn into your memory banks forever more!

As soon as we arrived there were sea lions rolling around the boat and flocks of giant pelicans all around us, and people are just passing by.. like this shits no thing rand ere!?!

Our first night was quite a chilled one so we just mooched about...you know, sat on the edge of the peer with some sea lions, watching some baby sharks frolicing under foot!

The next day we trekked around Santa Cruz where we where staying, such a beautiful place to be. Even taking away all the wild life, just the beaches and clear waters are insane!

We went to see lava caves and lagoons, beach coves that can only be accessed by water taxi and the Charles Darwin research centre where we watched for longer than probably deemed acceptable, 2 tortoises have the sexy times...

We went on a trip to San Cristobal on our second day, which went about becoming one of my favourites ever!

Firstly we fully snorkel like professionals now, don a wet suit and flippers, the whole shindig! Once in our get up we went to a remote island and sat on a beach with no one around but a hoard of sea lions..

Then we snorkelled around the islands and saw some turtles and a sting ray..

Then we went ashore on the other side of the island and walked around with black land iguanas..

Then we went to Kicker Rock, to swim with sharks!!!

When we booked the tour the lady told us to hang back and not jump in the water first, as it'd be frightening to be the first to sight a shark... So naturally we were the very last out of the boat!

The waters were so deep that for a few minutes you don't really see anything, then things cleared and we realised there were about 5 sharks directly below us. The shitters!! Hahaaaa!

We were just coming to terms with the situ below, when a turtle floated by my face and almost touched me with its fin/arm/leg?! 

Then our guide shouted for us to follow him through the rocks and 3 sea lions swam past us, posing for pictures! If we rolled over, they did the same..and if we approached them, they'd act all nonchalant and do some loops and rolls and stuff.. we were basically hanging out, playing fooleries with some sea lions

We saw loads of tropical fish and manta rays too, and had to hide from a swam of birds that kept swooping in trying to have off with our snorkels... The whole time being rigidly awares of jaws at 6'oclock!

Basically they sensed we were hard, so we survive to tell the tale, AND fulfilled a bucket list item too.. 'Go To The Galapagos, don't poo yourself in a wet suit' CHECK!

Montanita

Soooo like Mancora, Montanita was a beach side surfers dream.. We don't surf, but like to watch those that do, so all was grand. We came here to kill some time before our Galaps trip, and ended up staying the week long!

This was the most authentically hobo-ish place I'd say I've ever been.. A good portion of the locals don't wear shoes at all, many have a fully formed head of shit locks, and they sell just about anything in a bid to laze around I recon.. Food, drinks, juggling skills, homemade narcs and cocktails from a cool box. Very chilled out and carefree times.

On our first afternoon we partook in a space cake on the beach.. It was about the size of a golf ball and had us in bed by 6pm! 

We randomly met up with Swiss friendlys we'd met in Buenos Aires, with their beautiful hearts and faces.. And were made to have 2-3 very late nights on the toon (knife at the throat joby obvs!).. So what was supposed to be a week of doing old school fak all, left us reeling for about a week after! 

We're yet to actually get on a surf board, having not overcome the fear of water in the eyes.......... But it is going to happen on this trip, it is!!

Men'corrra

Stoppo nexto was Mancora, a beach side town on the west coast of Peru. There's not a lot of bad that can be said about sitting on the sand all day, in scorcho sun, watching many men surf... And that's mostly what we did.

Our hostel was literally on the main beach, and aside it occasionally coming across a bit Benidorm, it was all we needed.. I mean it had a pool and toilet roll, both of which have become like gold dust in these parts.

We were introduced to rum slushies here, which after 4 days were no longer our friends.. We also met Todd from Landan, who's misfortunes with a pair of hair clippers that ran out of battery half way through his hair cut, made us laugh to wet pants.. That and his likening to Jordan's son Harvey when he laughs. He's a new favourite.

Funnily enough, from all of the countries we have been to and as 'unsafe' or un-touristy some places have been.. Mancora became the most dangerous. 3 people we knew had their taxis high jacked in one night, and their pockets contents cleared out! We left a local club one morn and when we were one foot in the taxi, I received a poo finger! A bum grab so intense that a man was almost knuckle deep in my A zone.. It was neither welcomed nor satisfying!

We booked our bus out of there shortly after these treats, and made our way to country 5, Ecuador! 

Excitement levels now 0.Million, having just booked our trip to THE GALAPAGOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amazonas

We boarded a long boat in the small hours of a morn, with a few hostel pals and our tour guide Freddy... And we baso just went about Amazon! 

We went first to see a local tribe that live on the river and were shown how we might traq dart a monkey out of a tree! We ate some fruit that tasted like a peanut bum hole, then were shown the local tribes dance..some people even made to partake in a shuffty, which gave us many amuses! (the dance and the local ladies who's boobs had fallen aside thier grass vests..because we're 10 years old!)

Next we went to a waterside animal sanctuary.. It was more like some people had started to feed animals and they never left.. It was wicked! We had barely pulled up and a monkey had swung in the boat and was trying to get into Jape's bag!

 We got to hold monkeys and parrots, a bastard sized anaconda, then hold a slouth, which was the funniest thing!! It moved like a toy that was running out of batteries, with a constant I've just smoked all of mother natures herbs face on!

Next we went to watch pink dolphins feeding in the river, which was real special. They apparently come to the river to feed in calm waters, and it was so calm.. 2 maybe 3 boats of tourists sitting on the huge lake, hardly making a sound.. Then the next thing these pink fins are flying up all around us and everyone was in mass 'woow... Wooooooooooooooow'! Neither of us were quick draw enough to get a picture of one though, so you'll have to take our word, t'was wicked!

Then as it started to get dark we went ALLIGATOR HUNTING!!! (Spotting / hunted, whateves!).  We rode through the river jungle using torches to see, and all told to keep a look out for 2 yellow eyes looking back at you..... Oh righteo then! It was dead fun, until the smallest of something brushed past one of the girls arms and we all started a scream wave!

We didn't manage to actually see one in the end, but I recon our tour was cut a bit short because Freddy started telling us maneater stories, and we all papped it and asked him to take us back! 😳

We slept in a lodge on the river, and both shizled our nizzles! It was pitch black come 10pm, so we just layed listening to jungle beasts flying at the walls trying to get in. The toilet was outside also, meaning a gauntlet of creature hell at pee and poo times

The next day we donned cagoules and wellies, got make shift rods and went fishing for parianahs!

Wee bird with her prize beast, look;

So by the end of day dos we basically looked like the jungle, and smelled like the river, but would go again right now.

Mega fun times!!

From Lima...

We went to Lima in search of a beach side time of joy before our jungle trek... But when we arrived the hostel had double booked us, and there was not a bit of sun in the sky. Anyhooooooo we stayed a couple of days none the less, making the mosto and all that..

We had a meal out the first night, which came as a whole fish for me, eye ball and all, and completely uncooked fish for JP... Both of which went down a shit storm after 23 hour bus ride!

The rest of our time here was really uneventfully to be honest, and Lima a pretty underwhelming place. We did befriend the local policia because we kept asking them where we could buy shit from.. Once we walked past and they said 'you find chocolate?' and I went 'No but we have cakes instead, nom nooom!'

Nom noming the armed Peruvians, whateves.

But yeah, we were well reads to leave for Iquitos and The Amazon times anyways...

So our flight was delayed, which was ney bother.. The journey was done in 2 parts, so we had to land half way and take off again.. lush! But then the flights turbulence was up there with the worst of my life, and this gave me a slightly bad time. The stewards ran off at one point to strap themselves into their seats, always a mile-high confidence boast! Then the plane dropped what felt like 50ft and the woman next to me started screaming and grabbing hold of my arm.... No!! I'm trying to hold my own shit together here lady! When the drinks came back around I necked a beer in a 0.5 seconds, and Screamy Mcgrabs went 'ahh you like Peruvian beer?' I said 'No i just don't like flying' and she laughed and went 'haaaha yes I see you cry a little!' No I did not.......... FUCK OFF LADY!!

Anyhow we arrived fine figures of ladies in Iquitos and took a tuck tuck of death to the hostel, which by this point we loved drag racing in an open air cart without seat belts, that had our bags tied to the back with a shoelace, yeah!

Tomorrow we head into the AMAZON!! And I expect to be don nothing but a loin cloth come lunch time!